Let me start this post by telling you all that you should just tell the truth. It saves everyone a lot of time. I am thirty-eight years old. I do not have time to date for months/years and see how things “turn out.” I need to know if there is a potential for a real relationship early on or I am not going to waste my time. I am running out of youth and beauty almost as fast as I am running out of patience.
I went back “home” a few weeks back to see family and also for a meeting of some old friends. Okay, so it was a high school reunion. I know what you are thinking, lame, right? Actually, it I had a great time and it put to bed a lot of high school anxiety and hang ups. I will have to write about that at some other time, but now a lot of that night’s mojo has waned.
To quote Inigo Montoya from Princess Bride, “Let me ‘splain. No, there is too much, let me sum up.” After some flirting at the reunion and some “help” from some former classmates that served as Cupid in this little rendezvous, “Matthew” (made up name) and I went to an all-night diner and then talked and made out in my car until dawn. We did not “hook up.” I just want to make that clear. Also, making out in cars is greatly under-rated. It was exciting, secret, and tragically romantic. It was like I was living out my favorite 90’s romantic movie Before Sunrise only without the sights of Vienna as a backdrop. Just the same Midwestern, suburban bar/club and greasy spoon we’ve known all our lives. Even though there is no future with “Matthew,” I still think I will rank it in one of the most romantic evenings of my life, and I write a lot about romance, so that is saying something.
I was about to chalk it up to just one of those once and a life time romantic moments that has no future. If it did have a future, maybe it would not have been so pure, so raw, and so sexy. Sometimes just the potential of sex is more exciting than anything two people can do while naked. I should have gone with my first extinct and let it just go. Let him be a memory. Something to remind me that I am a woman, my high school awkwardness is over, and I could land the hottest guy in the room. That should have been enough.
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But no…I had to fuck it up.
So the next couple of weeks we texted and talked on the phone. We talked on the phone for hours. We barely mentioned the hot make out session in the car. There was no need to gild the lily. We talked about life, our families, our jobs, our past, our future. Only, it is clear his future does not include a few dates with moi seeing if it “goes anywhere.” I knew, even at the time, that he kind of had a girlfriend. A girlfriend he did not feel special enough to go to a high school reunion. I also kind of have a boyfriend I did not feel special enough to bring to the reunion either. And like a very wise classmate of mine said, “Everybody’s single until they are married. If you weren’t “available” on at least some level, you’d be married already.” He has a point.
After a few weeks of texting and heart felt conversations, I thought things were “progressing.” We had the kind of conversations where two people are really listening and really digging each other. When was the last time you have talked to somebody and truly felt heard? Was it the same time you made out in your car? So, I did something stupid. I told him that I was very “curious” about him and wondering if I was “pursuing” him, even though that behavior is very unladylike. He said. “LOL, like you said, let’s say curious and not read too much into it.” And then silence. Freaking crickets. It has been two days.
For another flashback to the romantic movies of my youth, I’ll quote Say Anything, “I gave (him) my heart, and she gave me a pen.”
It’s not his fault. He probably really does have a girlfriend. I am five states away and even though I have every intention of coming back in the late fall, five months is a long time for a girl you haven’t seen in twenty years and barely know now. Like that old 60’s song, “Love the one your with.” I guess I am doing the same.
Maybe he is like me and he does not want to waste time on a doomed relationship no matter what magic and magnetic attraction there might have been in the beginning. In talking to him, I recognize that we do come from different worlds even though we grew up in the same town. We have different educational backgrounds and different career paths. Maybe he was intimidated because my brother is kind of rich and a professor at a big university. Maybe I do come off snobbish. I sure as hell do not mean to be. I have been poor as hell. Even now, I have to scrape up some cash and have my roommate pony up with his portion of the rent so checks do not bounce tomorrow and I WORK for a bank. I cannot afford to look down on anyone, and I would not even if I could.
He was a good man, with a good heart, and hard dick. What else could a woman want?
I wanted him so bad. I wanted him to love me. I think I could have loved him. He is so handsome, sweet, and good. But I fucked it up because I let him know I liked him. I tried too hard. Damn it.
At least I know where I stand. I am not a silly girl who is going to hold a torch for a man who does not want me or cannot handle the intensity of the love I have to offer.
Did I really lose, or did I just find out the score?
“Crickets” Lyrics. Sorry if there is an add at the beginning.